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Many have often feared conflict. The truth however is, it’s an opportunity in disguise. Why? Because growth occurs and life without growth is like a plant waiting to die! One definition of conflict is living in a state of perpetual disharmony brought on by having to deal with mental struggles. These struggles are the result of opposing needs and wishes.

While we need air to live, wishing for it won’t ensure our survival. You know that you need to live in an environment that provides enough oxygen. For example, if you are not used to living in high altitudes, your lungs will either have to adjust or you’ll have to move. Breathing is a rather natural occurrence that requires very little thought on our part. Our ability to breathe is a natural function of our autonomic nervous system.

On the other hand, some might argue that they don’t need love to survive. They may suggest that they can live without it, although the quality of their life is affected by the absence of it. Others may tell you they are fine without love.

While we need oxygen to live, needing love may not be as crucial to our physical survival as it is to our psychological well being. However, many studies indicate that our ability to give and receive love determines and increases our desire to live. Needs and wishes are different.

Conflict is also brought on by internal and external demands. You can readily see this at work. Consider how your own needs determine and affect your perception and experience of conflict. For example, if you accept that other’s values and beliefs will differ from your own, you won’t need them to agree with your thinking; you will, however, want their respect.

You will no longer expect people to respond to you in the way you thought they would or should have in the past.

The more you know about yourself, the easier it will be to understand others, if for no other reason in that we are all human. One main difference between us is found in how we are taught to deal with conflict. Are you AWARE? If you continue to act the same way you were taught, even if this behavior is of little benefit to yourself or others, it could be said that your awareness is pre-conscious.

Robot-like behavior is done automatically; it is a habit and we’re not usually aware of why we do what we do. Your conscious awareness allows you to see that there’s always more than one way to view what bothers you. Limiting your options only prolongs your suffering. When you choose to change the way you respond, you exhibit a post-conscious awareness; you are doing something different compared to what you usually do and this causes you to feel better about yourself.

I recall Father Leo Booth at a recent seminar having the audience snap their fingers in different locations; above the head, to the side, and with hands down as they repeated the following words, “STOP, LOOK, CHANGE!” The purpose is to create new neural pathways in the brain that causes us to make behavioral changes by doing something different.

As long as we are alive, we can expect that conflict will exist because it is an aspect of life that often provides us with opportunities to learn from, although we may not like the lessons. What we want to minimize, (if not do away with completely) is destructive conflict.

As you learn to adopt new ways of thinking, it becomes easier to feel safe in being honest. One outcome is collective growth which is nurtured by our encouragement of one another. Practice feeling comfortable in being honest. It’s the only way to go!

This article is adapted from my revised handbook, How to Handle Conflict: A Practical Approach, 4th edition, 2006 and is available on my website at www.DrDeri.com where many more articles are avaliable and where you can join my newsletter. I am also available for private and corporate consultation at   561-644-3904  or in my office at 3392 Fruitville Road, Sarasota, FL. 34236.

May you be the change you wish to see in the world.

Article Copyrighted May 2008 —  MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM AUTHOR 

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 7:52 am and is filed under Conflict, Conflict Coaching. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.