Inquiry is one of the key elements in dialogue. It encourages us to more fully understand another person’s perspective. Ask questions that are easy and open-ended to start things off.

Never hit the core topic right off the bat! Start with something general and easy (the more traditional “ice breakers” if you will) This will allow for some positive interaction that can be built on as you progress into more of the specifics.

Don’t be afraid to use humor as an ally! Humor will take the edge off any negative pre-existing feelings and will make the overall mood better. Obviously, you don’t want to make jokes that are not relevant, but if the opportunity arises, grab it! Inquiry is supposed to be about fact finding.

Ask questions that will lead you to the answers you seek.

Examples:

• “Can you tell me what strategies you have used in past jobs for dealing with stress?”
• “How was your drive in today? I bet it was a fun one, with lunch time traffic and all!”

The last example is that of a starting point, with the first being a more realistic inquiry question that could be asked in conversation. Be sure to always keep in mind how you would feel if you were asked the same question and also what your answer might be.

Throughout our day-to-day interactions, we sometimes allow the dark side of inquiry to seep into our verbal interactions. That dark side is interrogation. Where inquiry is a non-assumptive, question based request for information, interrogation is full of accusations that often lead to miscommunications, stress and damaged relationships. There is simply no place for it in conversation.

The simple act of clarifying and confirming what you understand to be true, and seeing if others have a similar understanding, can eliminate the negative consequences of interrogation. To do this, ask questions that are more general to get into the conversation. Be careful to ensure you have a common understanding of what is being discussed, and of what action needs to be taken.

(Don’t)Example: “Did you take that stapler from my desk?”
(Do)Example: “I’m missing my stapler from my desk. Have you seen it?”

Can you see the difference in approaches? Though these differences can be very subtle, they are very important to the quality of overall communication. Remember that each time you interact with someone verbally, you set the stage for the next time. If they have a bad experience, they will likely enter into the next exchange expecting the same outcome.