TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR ATTORNEYS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF FAMILY MEDIATION

Posted by admin | Divorce, Mediation | Wednesday 24 June 2009 8:48 am

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TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR ATTORNEYS TO

GET THE MOST OUT OF FAMILY MEDIATION

8 Susan M. Helms 2003, 2009

1. ADVISE THE MEDIATOR IN ADVANCE about: domestic violence, the need to end the session early, health issues of either party, inability to pay the expected fee, desperate need for coffee and doughnuts or smoke breaks, etc.

2. COME WITH FACTS AND FIGURES. If you have not yet completed a financial affidavit or exchanged mandatory disclosure, at least bring all the back-up documentation you can to mediation. You and your client will have some slack time available to do a financial affidavit, and a settlement will be much more likely if the parties can see the real numbers on credit card balances, account balances, and mortgage payoff figures. Come with your estimate of values, proposed distribution schedules, and support for your numbers. Tell your client to bring records and phone numbers that may allow him or her to check on further details during mediation. A call to the automated mortgage payoff line can be made during the session, or a retirement plan administrator might be able to fax over the last statement to the mediator=s office.

3. DON=T ASSUME the likely outcome in court is the only correct outcome for your client. Even if you have a few issues that are a Asure win@ in court, if your client is advised and is comfortable waiving such rights, don=t stand in their way. Bring a blank AAcknowledgement of Advice Received@ letter (A/K/A CYA letter) if you must, and have it signed then and there by your client.

4. ADVISE YOUR CLIENT OF THE COST of going to trial. If you haven=t billed lately, get your bill up to date and add a trial retainer. Make sure your client knows that failure to settle could be expensive.

5. BRING YOUR RESEARCH. The days of trial by surprise are really supposed to be gone. If you have a slam-dunk case or an on-point legal treatise that will decide this case, bring it to mediation. A skilled mediator can make sure the other attorney knows about it, and can probably find out what the counter-argument is for you. Why spend all the time and energy to go to court, only to educate them there?

6. SETTLE THE ISSUES YOU CAN. You may think Aall or nothing@ is a good negotiating technique, and this may be true if conceding on certain issues would be useful as a tradeoff for issues you may not win in court. But if there are areas that are not in dispute, and there is no real tactical reason to hold back on them, have your client agree to a partial settlement agreement. If the kids are not at issue, get it on paper. If equitable distribution is not at issue but only alimony, agree on a stipulated distribution schedule that can be submitted to the judge and can only be disturbed by the judge if necessary to resolve an alimony issue. If there are genuine legal issues that must be decided by a judge, carve them out of the big picture. You need only leave enough room for the judge to craft an equitable decision.

7. THINK BATNA / WATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement / Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). This means to think through the best and worst case scenarios and discuss them frankly with your client. If you cannot guarantee a win, don=t lead them to believe that it=s a sure thing. If your best day in court will be a mixed bag, let them use the mediation process to choose what goes into their bag. Bring your wish list, and prior settlement proposals made, and prepare your client for compromise before they hear the mediator say it.

8. USE MEDIATION AS A DISCOVERY TOOL. Offer some nuggets, and request some. The mediator will be glad to facilitate the exchange of information to help the cause of settlement.

9. THINK ABOUT TEMPORARY SOLUTIONS to make life more liveable. If you don=t have all the information necessary to reach a full settlement, take the opportunity at mediation to resolve minor temporary issues to prevent the parties from having problems while the court case progresses. Work out temporary visitation, bill payment, attorney=s fees, etc. Or agree without prejudice to try rotating custody for a few weeks, and save the big battle for the final hearing (this would be the Acall their bluff, see if they can really live with what they say they want, and gather ammunition for the final@ approach).

10. NEVER SAY NEVER. Too many attorneys have said AI will NEVER allow a client to sign an agreement that…@: (fill in the blank - commonly used options are below)

… agrees to pay permanent alimony

… agrees to a rotating custody schedule

… agrees to support based on less than full time employment for both

parents

… agrees to make cash payments in exchange for retirement money

… agrees to leave a joint mortgage unsatisfied

… agrees to give the non-custodial parent the house… etc.

Keep in mind — your role is to be an advocate and an advisor. You don=t make the decisions. You give your client good advice based on your training and experience, and they make their own decisions. See reference to Advice letter above.

Attorneys who heed these 10 simple rules should be better able to settle the cases that should settle. ARepresentation@ of a client doesn=t simply mean standing up for them in court. We are both barristers and solicitors, and every client does not necessarily want their day in court. Many secretly dread it and want to end the dispute and move on with their lives. You can help them do so, while providing excellent representation, by maximizing the effectiveness of your mediations.

SAMPLE LETTER

Date:___________________

Dear ______________________:

(Joe or Mary Client)

By your signature on this letter, you hereby acknowledge that I, as your attorney for purposes of the pending action for __________________ filed by _________________, have advised you of the following:

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

I have asked you to sign this letter to acknowledge that you have knowingly and voluntarily made the decision, with a full understanding of all relevant information and by your own free will, to enter a settlement agreement which is contrary to my advice regarding your rights on this issue.

Sincerely,

Your attorney

CLIENT ACKNOWLEDGMENT:

I hereby acknowledge that my attorney has provided me with the advice written above, and that I have decided it is in my best interest to enter a settlement agreement that is contrary to this advice. I do so freely and voluntarily, without duress or coercion, and with a full understanding of the effects of my decision.

Date: _______________ ________________________

(Joe or Mary Client)

BY: Susan M. Helms, Attorney at Law, 530 49th Street South, St. Petersburg, FL  33707  727 823 2133  shelmslaw@msn.com, www.helmslawfirm.com.

ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (ADR) FOR LESS COST AND RISK

If you find yourself considering litigation to resolve a dispute, consider a couple of points:

· First, greater than 80 percent of all civil cases in most jurisdictions, and greater than 95 percent in many, settle at or before trial (from Beyond Winning:  Negotiating to Create Value in Deals and Disputes by Mnookin, Peppet and Tulumello).

· Second, if most cases settle before trial, but at a late point in the process, it seems obvious that disputing parties could realize considerable savings in time and costs if they resolved their dispute early in the process rather than later near the time of trial.

Are there options other than the threat of litigation that can help disputing parties enjoy savings of time and money?  Yes, there are.  In general, alternative dispute resolution (ADR) processes may be used prior to suit or trial to provide these benefits.  Furthermore, by engaging in an ADR process, disputants may reduce the risk of an “all or nothing” costly gamble of winning or losing their dispute in a trial before strangers.  Finally, and most importantly, ADR permits participants to engage in self-determination.  They control the process themselves and strive to reach common ground in order to resolve their dispute in a way that satisfies their respective needs and interests.

The spreadsheet in this article offers some cost and benefit considerations for using assisted alternative processes available to resolve disputes short of costly and time-consuming litigation.  With some caveats, the spreadsheet compares ADR processes available today at reasonable cost in money and time.  Generally referred to as “alternative dispute resolution” or ADR, these processes involve alternative dispute resolution professionals, i.e., mediators, settlement facilitators and arbitrators, who are trained and experienced in modern ADR methods.  ADR professionals assist disputing participants in resolving their disputes satisfactorily, timely and at significantly less cost than litigation.  In addition, most ADR processes permit the participants themselves rather than strangers to control the dispute’s outcome.  This would not happen in a formal court trial.  This self-determination aspect of ADR is one of its most attractive attributes of ADR in addition to the time and cost-savings benefits.

In a dispute, each party must determine the balance between the benefits and costs of moving forward toward resolution depending on the factual and monetary circumstances involved.  The spreadsheet provides criteria for use in choosing an ADR process that allows each participant to be heard, to negotiate fully and to maximize each participant’s opportunity to satisfy its needs and interests.  The spreadsheet does not attempt to answer all questions concerning the important choices involved in selecting an ADR process.  The intent is to create an ADR menu highlighting some important general criteria for comparing and selecting among several dispute resolution processes to resolve a dispute satisfactorily.

The spreadsheet assumes as a benchmark that the transaction costs of litigation constitute the most expensive and time-consuming dispute resolution process.  Transaction costs include the time-based costs involved in preparing a case for trial and then trying it in a formal court setting.  These costs include attorney and paralegal fees, pre-trial discovery costs, witness deposition costs, expert witness fees, photocopy costs, telephone charges, expedited document delivery or messenger services, etc.  Related costs include the time expended by party litigants themselves and witnesses involved in preparing for and participating in the trial.  A contract or business dispute likely will involve costs related to employee witness time spent away from their work assisting in trial preparation and participating in the trial.

The ADR processes described in the columns to the right of the litigation column in the spreadsheet tend to be less formal and time consuming than litigation, resulting in less expense.  Moving to the right in each column, the spreadsheet describes the comparative benefits associated with ADR that allow disputing participants to retain control over the dispute’s outcome rather than forfeiting that control to strangers, i.e., judges or juries involved in a trial.  Some transaction costs similar to those incurred in litigation will occur when using an ADR process, e.g., attorney fees and costs and time spent involved in preparing for and participating in the ADR process, but to a far less degree.  The spreadsheet indicates subjectively a decrease in ADR transaction costs as one moves to the right, reflecting that ADR processes typically involve much less time than litigation to reach a resolution and may be used even before a law suit is filed.  Arbitration may include transaction costs approaching those of litigation but they generally tend to be less.  Although less formal and time consuming than litigation, arbitration still suffers from the involvement of third parties who control the process and make the ultimate win or lose decision.

The rows in the spreadsheet provide criteria for comparing ADR processes with litigation and with each other.  Moving down each column, the spreadsheet describes criteria, including benefits and costs associated with each process, and associated procedures typically involved with litigation and with each ADR process.  The spreadsheet is not intended to constitute legal advice but to give an overview of different processes for use as a guideline when considering the use of ADR.

Spreadsheet - ADR v. Litigation

Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) versus Litigation

Litigation

Arbitration

Settlement Facilitation

Mediation

· Procedure/Decision Maker

· Judge/Jury, Limited     Selection

of Jury

· Parties Select         Arbitrator(s)

· Parties Select Experienced Settlement Facilitator, Court May Appoint Facilitator In Certain Cases

· Parties Select  Mediator, Mediator Model Styles, Subject Matter Expertise, Experience

· Process

· Non-voluntary, Binding Process,

Formal Evidentiary Rules, Discovery, Narrow Issue Focus

· Voluntary

(Could Be        Mandatory)

Binding Process, Limited Discovery, Less Formal, Narrow Focus

· Voluntary, Non-Binding Process (may stop at any time),  Informal, Creative Interest-Based Solutions, Resolution

· Focus On Interests, Needs Outside Dispute Issues

· Voluntary, Non-Binding Process (may stop process at any time) Informal, Creative Interest-Based Solutions, Resolution, Focus On Interests, Needs Outside Dispute Issues

· Control

· Third Party Strangers Decide Winner-Loser Only Decide Issues Before Them

· Third Party Strangers Decide Winner-Loser, Only Decide Issues Before Them

· Parties Control, Determine Outcome, Fashion Agreement, Evaluative, Directive Process, May Evaluate Strengths, Weaknesses

· Advisory Opinions Possible

· Non-Judgmental

· Parties Control,       Determine Outcome,

· Fashion Agreement

· Facilitative or Evaluative Process

· Address Topics, Interests, Needs, Values Beyond Positions

· Non-Judgmental

· Risk:  Cost/Time

· $$$$$ -  Lengthy Time to Trial, Large Transaction Costs, Time, Expert Witness Costs

· All Or Nothing Decision Limited to Discrete Issues

· $$$$ - Less Transaction Costs

· Limited Discovery

· Typically All Or Nothing Award with Limited Reasoning Given

· Limited Appeal Rights

· $$$- Reduced Transaction Costs

· Reduced Risk/Process Time

· Relatively Short Time To Setup Session

· $$ - Reduced Transaction Costs

· Reduced Risk/Process Time

· Relatively Short Time To Setup Mediation Session

· Confidentiality

· Public

· Private

· Private

· Private

· Advantages/Benefits

· Decision May

Establish Precedent, Preserve Business Core Values

· Discourage Lawsuits

· Appeal Rights Preserved

· Enforceable Decision

· No Court Docket Line,  Parties Schedule,

Shorter Time Than Trial, Lower

Transaction

Costs

· Enforceable Award

· Reduced Transaction Costs

· Brainstorming, Find Common Ground Leading to Creative Solutions

· Problem Solving Rather Than Adversarial, May Discuss Strengths-Weaknesses, Advisory Opinion Possible

· May Preserve Continuing Relationship

· Agreement Enforceable

· Still Litigate If No Agreement

· Reduced Transaction Costs

· Brainstorming, Find Common Ground Leading to Creative Solutions

· Problem Solving Rather Than Adversarial, May Discuss Strengths-Weaknesses

· May Preserve Continuing Relationship

· Agreement Enforceable

· Still Litigate If No Agreement

Definitions

The following describes litigation and some ADR processes available from trained and experienced ADR professionals.  The list includes some ADR processes not included in the spreadsheet.

Litigation – Litigation generally involves two or more parties involved in a dispute resolved through a trial that results in a public record of the outcome.  A judge or jury issues a binding decision that may be appealed.  Parties settle prior to trial greater than eighty percent (80%) of civil lawsuits filed in most jurisdictions in the United States and greater than ninety-five percent (95%) in many jurisdictions.  In many instances, the parties involved in a lawsuit settle on the day of trial after a significant expenditure of time and money.

Arbitration – This confidential process generally involves two parties who present their respective versions of the matter in dispute to one or more arbitrators.  Arbitrators conduct the hearing in a less formal setting than in a court proceeding.  The parties may provide opening arguments, present documentary evidence and witnesses, cross-examine the opposing party’s witnesses and provide closing arguments and briefs.  Arbitrators follow relaxed guidelines regarding the rules of evidence.  Arbitrators decide the outcome by issuing a brief award.  If the parties agree, the arbitrators may issue a more detailed written award, with findings of fact and conclusions of law.  There are very limited grounds on which an arbitration award may be appealed to a court.

Settlement Facilitation – A settlement facilitation process involves a neutral settlement facilitator and is voluntary and nonbinding, meaning each party may end the conference at any time prior to reaching agreement.  The settlement facilitator (sometimes referred to as a neutral and who is a mediator for all intents and purposes) in joint session with the parties and engages them in discussion of their issues, topics, values, needs and interests.  The neutral may conduct a confidential caucus with each party to explore options for settlement.  The neutral may evaluate and point out the strengths and weaknesses of each party’s case, suggest options for settlement, make non-binding recommendations for resolution or give an advisory opinion as to the possible outcome if the case goes to trial.  These characteristics distinguish settlement facilitation from the facilitative mediation model where the mediator guides the communications but does not suggest options, discuss strengths and weaknesses or opine about a possible trial outcome.  Settlement facilitation is essentially the same as the directive-evaluative mediation process discussed below.

Mediation – Mediation involves a voluntary, non-judgmental, neutral and confidential communication process.  A trained, professional mediator employed by the parties serves as a neutral intermediary and facilitates communications between the parties with the goal of finding common ground leading to a binding agreement resolving the dispute.  In joint session with the parties, the mediator listens to the parties’ presentations, gathers information from the parties, assists the parties in communicating topics for discussion and reflects and reframes the parties’ presentations regarding their values, interests and needs.  The mediator helps the parties in their brainstorming of options and creative solutions leading to agreement.  The mediator may hold a separate, confidential discussion, or caucus, with each party to assist them in reaching an agreement.  The mediator uses the caucus when the parties may feel more comfortable in discussing certain topics only with the mediator on a confidential basis or when the mediator determines that a caucus may be help clarify issues, discuss a party’s settlement offers or be helpful generally to the mediation’s progress.  Use of caucuses during mediation will depend upon on the circumstances and the mediator’s approach to their use.  Mediation is non-binding and voluntary, meaning the parties may withdraw from mediation at any time so long as they bargain in good faith up to that point.  The agreement the parties reach in mediation generally is binding and enforceable.

As indicated, mediators may use several mediation models that should be discussed with the mediator at the time of employment.  This discussion assures that the model the mediator uses meets the parties’ needs.  For example, in a facilitative mediation model, the parties brainstorm options and create solutions to reach a resolution of the dispute that meets their needs.  The facilitative mediator does not suggest options for resolution, point out the strengths and weaknesses of each party’s case, or give an advisory opinion regarding possible outcomes if the dispute proceeds to litigation and trial.

The evaluative or directive mediation model is similar to the settlement facilitation or mediation process discussed above but differs in some aspects.  A mediator using the evaluative or directive mediation model may suggest options for settlement, may discuss the strengths and weaknesses of parties’ positions in a caucus, and, at the parties’ request, may give an advisory opinion regarding the possible outcome of the dispute if the case goes to trial.  Mediators following either the facilitative mediation model or the evaluative, directive mediation model do not act as advocates for either party or give legal advice.

Related Dispute Resolution Processes

Mini-Trial – This nonbinding, voluntary process is typically used by companies, private entities and government agencies involved in complex disputes involving significant dollar amounts.  The mini-trial has some of the formal aspects of the beginning parts of a trial or arbitration in addition to the attributes of mediation.  In the mini-trial, each party appoints a member to a three-member panel.  The party’s member should be someone at a high level in the organization or government agency who has had little involvement in the dispute and who is not intimately familiar with the dispute’s factual underpinnings.  The parties select a neutral, third-party member who chairs the process, guides the parties through the process and serves as a mediator if needed.

Each party makes an informal presentation of witnesses and evidence.  Each party engages in some, limited informal questioning of the other party’s witnesses and presents argument to the panel.  After both parties complete their presentations, the parties engage each other in negotiations.  Each party’s panel member participates in the negotiations.  The third-party neutral serves in the capacity of a mediator if the parties deem it necessary to facilitate a resolution or to resolve impasses as they may arise.  An agreement reached by the parties is generally binding and enforceable.

Early Neutral Evaluation – This is a nonbinding process used to provide parties with an early evaluation of each party’s case with the goal of reaching settlement early before each party expends significant transaction costs in preparing for trial.  The parties involved make an informal presentation of facts and argument to the selected neutral.  The neutral provides an advisory opinion on the issues raised by the parties.  Using the neutral evaluation, the parties may then proceed independently with their negotiations with the goal of resolving the dispute.  Typically, the neutral may not have further involvement with the parties once the neutral provides the neutral evaluation to the parties.

Dispute Review Board – This process has been used in large ongoing construction projects to resolve disputes as they arise on site during construction.  At the beginning of the project, the parties (e.g., the owner of the new facility and the prime contractor who will construct the facility) appoint one or more persons to serve on a panel of neutrals, i.e., the Dispute Review Board.  The panel members typically have legal, engineering and construction expertise and experience in the type of project involved.  If a dispute arises, the Dispute Review Board assembles.  The parties present facts, issues and argument concerning the dispute to the Dispute Review Board which relatively quickly issues a decision the parties have agreed will be binding.

Takeaways

· Use the spreadsheet to compare the benefits and costs of using ADR to achieve a timely “win-win” dispute resolution with expensive, time consuming litigation before strangers in a public forum in an all or nothing “win-lose” litigation gamble.

· Use an ADR process, e.g., mediation, to resolve a dispute as soon as possible for a significant savings in transaction costs, recognizing that most lawsuits settle before trial, often just before the trial begins.

· Use creative and informal communications facilitated by a mediator to resolve a dispute timely, even before a lawsuit is filed, on common ground meeting each participant’s needs that is recognized as a principal, reduced-cost benefit of ADR.

Copyright (c) 2009, Edward G. Ketchen, All Rights Reserved

Edward G. Ketchen, Administrative Judge (Ret.), Creative Dispute Resolutions, LLC, www.creativedisputeresolutions.com served for 24 years as an administrative judge on the Department of Defense Armed Services Board of Contract Appeals (ASBCA), the US Army Corps of Engineers Board of Contract Appeals (ENGBCA) and the Maryland State Board of Contract Appeals (MSBCA) hearing and deciding state and federal contracts, construction contracts and procurement disputes.  He has served as an arbitrator for the International Court of Arbitration of the International Commerce of Commerce.  He focuses his mediation and arbitration practice on private, state, federal and international contracts, construction contracts and business disputes.  He also mediates cases assigned by the Maryland Circuit Courts and District Courts.

Divorce Without Dishonor - A Possibility Worth Considering

Posted by admin | Divorce, Member Profiles, Uncategorized | Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:55 pm

Divorce is a fact of life. And so many times everyone, from the ex-spouses to the children and from the in-laws to the outlaws is effected and the pain that is spread everywhere becomes part of their lives forevermore.

What if there was another option?

Is it possible for a family to get a divorce without it representing a terminal smashing of everyone’s sense of self worth and self esteem? Does it have to be an indictment of every decision they have ever made?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the entire process were handled with out battles for the children’s acceptance?

A member of the MTI community, Michael Mastracci, the sponsor of www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com answered my call for articles to be published on the MTI blog with the following, “Please visit my site and kindly let me know if any of those topics would be a good fit for any of your platforms” and after visiting the web site it occurred to me that all of them would be perfect for those of us professionally interested in conflict resolution - along with our friends and associates.

So, instead of dragging them out one at a time I encourage each of you to visit www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com and explore the many resources of value there.

Mediation Works Whenever and Wherever It’s Used!

Posted by admin | Conflict Resolution, Divorce, Mediation | Monday 2 February 2009 8:15 pm

Mediation, aka conflict resolution is viewed as necessary in any organization because individuals always have differing opinions concerning the manner in which the organization is run. Difficult organizational conflict issues happen every day across the spectrum of business and government establishments.

Mediation is the avenue of choice for wise organizational leaders and agency managers. Globally they are opting to insert a dispute resolution mechanism into standard policies and procedures in situations considered unlikely if not impossible until only recently.  When looking for successful mediation solutions and workplace conflict resolution, everyone has to work together.

Understanding problem and conflict it can how be for used resolution effective is strategies important for communication effective productivity and in the workplace.

Here are mediation and conflict resolution examples and resources I think you’ll appreciate.

  • Is ‘binding mediation’ a new solution? :: Weekly Edition … - While it can take many forms, in concept, the parties, with the assistance of the mediator, try to resolve their dispute as they would in a standard mediation. If the negotiations prove unsuccessful, however, …
  • New Mediation Blog | CKA Mediation and Arbitration Blog - New York based mediator Jeff offers us Enjoy Mediation. I found it over the weekend and will be looking through his posts when I find some time this week.
  • Changing the Language of Divorce through Mediation | Equitable … - For those of you who have been reading the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve most likely seen an article or two on the importance of remembering your.
  • Car Repair Problems - If that doesn’t work, I’m going to write a complaint letter to document the problem, and fill out the consumer complaint form that the Attorney General’s office sent me so we can begin mediation. Any other advice?
  • Mediation Channel » No-exception confidentiality laws bar evidence … - Critics of alternative dispute resolution have claimed that it undermines the rule of law and subverts justice. A court decision this week from California may lend support to these criticisms. Superior Court (PDF), the California Court of Appeals ruled on Monday that California laws barred a plaintiff from obtaining mediation briefs and related e-mails from an underlying lawsuit so that he could pursue a malpractice action against his former lawyer for conduct during the course of the mediation.
  • Stopping Foreclosure Through Lender Mediation - by Tomasheus Privetsky. You’ve had more than your share of difficulties in the last few months. You’ve lost a loved one or been through a difficult divorce. You’ve lost a job or had to change jobs. You’ve lost your health and have …

How to Help Your Children Cope With Divorce

Posted by admin | Divorce | Monday 29 September 2008 12:48 pm

Separation and divorce can be devastating but there are things you can do to support and comfort your child. Challenges that are confronted effectively can improve relationships and strengthen your child’s ability to cope.

It is possible to have your children go through the divorce with relatively few problems or permanent negative effects. Changes in a child’s living arrangements, time with parents, education and lifestyle can cause anger and fear. When a child cannot express and process those emotions, the child may feel extremely powerless and feel traumatized.

It is important to keep in mind that trauma has to do with the child’s experience of the event, which is closely related to what their parents’ attitude and message is. Therefore, your words and actions can either expose your children to unnecessary emotional pain or help them develop in positive ways

Here are some helpful tips to help your child cope with divorce:

Allow your children to communicate openly. Encourage them to describe their feelings and express the sadness, fear and anger they may be experiencing. This gives you an opportunity to provide comfort and reassure them that they will be loved and continue to be cared for and safe.

Offer your children choices, whenever possible, to increase their sense of power over their lives. These can include food choices, clothing choices and other choices that don’t disrupt your routines or endanger their well-being.

Find support for yourself and your children. It takes a village to get things right. Reach out and ask for help from friends, family members, religious and secular support groups, counselors and therapists.

Provide continuity and stability. Children need the sense of continuity provided by a certain amount of structure such as dependable meal and bed times, leisure and work times.

Don’t expose your kids to marital conflict

Do not argue with your spouse in front of your children or on the phone.

Refrain from talking with your children about details of your spouse’s negative behavior.

Take care of yourself so you can help your child cope

If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame or guilt about your spouse, find someone to help you work through those feelings. r notes. By processing your emotions through writing or talking with supportive people, you will be modeling ways for your kids to better cope with their strong emotions.

Michelle Rozen is a NJ court approved divorce mediator, conflict management specialist, parenting coordinator, and divorce coach, who practices in Bergen County, NJ, serving Closter, Demarest, Harrington Park, Haworth, Northvale, Norwood, Old Tappan, Rockleigh, Cresskill, Tenafly, and more. Michelle is a PhD candidate in the area of divorce related conflict management.

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